Dear Random People of Asian Descent Whom I Dissed or Berated in the Throes of My Angst-Ridden Youth (which, given the setting, probably only number about 6 or 7 in actuality),
Geez, I’m really sorry about that. Not that I’m making excuses for myself, but I was going through a rough period of assimilation. But I have good news! I’m Asian! I’m finally Asian! Call or IM me. Let’s dish.
Love,
Ji In
Dear Newly Immigrated Student From Laos Who Stalked Me Around Town in High School,
I recognize now that I wrongly regarded you with fear and comtempt. I was upset that you were blowing my cover. Maybe you just wanted to be friends, and you were seeking a familiar face. I apologize if I made you feel even more isolated than you probably already felt.But damn, what was with the weird lingering on the stairs until I passed by and then only grinning but never saying hi thing? Or the driving slowly past my house over and over and then speeding up when I looked out the window thing? I hope you can see how that might have given me the wrong idea.
By the way — when you got suspended from school for kicking that redneck kid’s ass out in the parking lot by the shop building? Dude, niiiiiice!
Sincerely,
Ji In
Dear Joy,
Oh Em Gee! I get it! I really get it! You’re PINAY. I’m such an asshole! I didn’t know what to tell people when they asked me if you were Mexican. All I could say was, “Well, I’m pretty sure she isn’t Mexican. I think she’s Asian. But I don’t know for sure.”
I’m sorry I avoided you. I was kidnapped and brainwashed by white people.
Ha ha. Just kidding. (Maybe.)
Hugs,
Ji In
Dear Hot Cambodian Dude, circa 1994,
Holy crap, you were hot. I was in deep, deep denial. I’m so very sorry. For myself. For not noticing. Because damn, I fucked that up. But that was then, this is now.
My husband sends his regards.
Sincerely,
Ji In
Dear Korean Guy From the Cafeteria Somewhere in Colorado Wearing the Taegukki Jacket, circa 1991,
Oh, 오빠. You were about a decade too early. I’m really, really sorry for being such a raging bitch when you approached me and inquired after my ethnicity. That took a lot of 용기. On behalf of my sister, I apologize. For both of us. As you gathered, neither of us spoke Korean. I wish I did, I really do.
My reaction to your questions was entirely undeserved. I was what one might call an ugly American. And I was … well, lost. It’s taken me almost 30 years, but I have recently embarked on a journey to reclaim my Korean roots. I fumbled my way through the years after being excommunicated from my first country shortly after birth, then culturally sequestered in my second one. But I’m recovering, and I’m learning.
So to answer your questions in a more civil manner: Yes. I am Korean. I was born in Seoul, but my 엄마 was told that she could not raise me. Silenced, she believed them. Somehow, that made me an “orphan.” And now I am an American. No, I do not speak Korean. I cannot speak Korean. It is one of my fondest wishes to speak Korean.
Too much information. Shutting up now.
With deepest apologies and humble regrets,
Ji In
Um. I can’t even tell you how much this resonates. Funny, awkward, painful, and way too accurate.
LOL
As in, really. I was like slapping my knee with guffaws.
Props to Laos dude. For real for real.
Welcome to your new bloghome, Ji-in.
You dissed Asian hotties? My stars, you were far gone! But it’s good to see you came out of the croset, uh, closet.
Love your new home, thanks for inviting me in.
I’ve thought about writing letters like this countless number of times, but still don’t quite have the peace nor understanding to do so. Good that you do.
funny and bittersweet!
btw, never too late to learn to speak Korean.
many a fond, awkward or totally embarrassing memory your letters bring =) hee, thanks for sharing! loving your new home, hope that moving in wasn’t too tiring!
by the by…thanks for the meaningful comment on my blog–i responded in kind (hopefully), as you bring up some thoughtful points
Oh, can I ever relate. I was a cold-hearted bitch to many an Asian face in my younger days in Kansas City. I was even a bitch to the Korean adoptee dude who eventually got me to volunteer for Holt Camp….thankfully, he didn’t hold it against me. Glad to see the new post!
Wow, what an honest entry. Which 12 step program did you join to get to this point?
Thanks for the comment on my blog, I’m beyond the point of educating.
This post makes me laugh and blush in shame at the same time. It also reminds me of the Korean exchange student I dissed my first year of college. He somehow knew the first time he saw me that I’m part Korean and enlisted me for help with his English, which I was fine with until one of his friends came along, discovered I was part Korean, and insisted that they teach me Korean instead. I had a hissy fit about not wanting to learn Korean and how I was only there to help them with English. Oh, what a fool I was! And now here I am in Korea, wishing that people could tell I’m part-Korean on sight and that they would stop speaking English to me. Oh, cruel, ironic world!
What lovely, funny but painful letters! Reminds me, I should write some to the past. I wish I could speak tagalog.
Oh man, I was on the opposite side of that. Well with the ONE Asian dude I that lived in my rinky town. It wasn’t until later that I really understood. He was another TRA from Vietnam but he was adopted when he was like 13. It must have been rough trying to adjust at such an awkard age. The sad thing is by the time he did try to get to know me, I was too busy being a teenager in denial myself. Being the only two Asians in town, it was just a given that we were suppose to get married and have cute little Asian babies. Ahhh the tragedy of it all.
Love the new look though I do miss those rice bowls.
This reminds me of an art entry on the website Learning to Love You More. Check it out at http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/reports/53/53.php. This art project enlist citizens to contribute to different art callings, including things like writing a letter to yourself from the past.
Continue to keep it real.
oh, lord. the truth hurts. ouch! resonates way too much.
Funny – I have to confess that I’ve dissed fellow Korean students at my international school (!), but I dissed a lot of other people as well… also ajummas who wander around in airports with their visor caps on, I’ve mostly hid from them so I wouldn’t get stuck helping them out with their immigration paperwork.
LOVE THIS POST JI-IN. Very creative, very real and such a great way to get your point across…
I 2nd Sarah Kim by saying I can relate. I look through my high school yearbook and realize how out of touch I was with the very “Asian” students. (There weren’t many to begin with, but still). The other adoptees I found it easy to talk with and befriend, but the ones who recently immigrated or were international students, I often turned the other way. Sadly, I found it easier to become friends with the International students from Germany, than the ones from Asia (with the exception of one Japanese international student).
Just discovered your blog. Love the post. My roommates in college were Asian self-haters, too. If my sister and I cooked rice or (God forbid!) fish in our apartment, they were mortified that the hot caucasian-boy neighbors would be on to us – we were Asian! The horrors! I hope that they’ve seen the light since then!
BTW – I made my sons t-shirts that read:
“Adobo with a side of kimichi”
oh man, this is PERFECT, ji-in. i hated hated hated poor steven c. who was next to me in class all through elementary school and he was a korean adoptee. then there was poor steve l. (hmmm… problem with disliking asian steves? eek!) in college whom i loathed, though it wasn’t because he was asian (he was) but because he kept making over my “tiny asian feet.” EWWWW. anyway, i loved the letters because there were so many times i could/should have made connections with an asian sister or brother and didn’t because it was easier to pretend i could fit in with whitey.
I’ve never thought of doing something like this, what a great exercise in exorcism. I like that included in your apologies is a healthy sense that you were doing your best with the tools you had, or didn’t have, depending.
Space Nakji — YES! I should amend my letters to add one to Paula, the exchange student FROM SPAIN…
Dear Paula,
Hola! How’s it hangin? I’m really sorry that I treated you like you had the plague after you asked me which country I was visiting from. I thought you understood that I wasn’t an exchange student, since I already had friends and everything. Yet I can see how one would arrive at this assumption, given the predominant color of the student body. I’m sorry I didn’t help you with your math homework.
Later,
Ji-in
P.S. You had great hair. Did anyone ever tell you that?
I can definately relate to the feelings you had then and the feelings you have now.
Glad you are writing again. This post was channeling the teenage me from many years ago,when I thought not hanging out with other Asians would make me more white. I have other delusions now, like wearing all black makes me look thinner…
Take care, Lin
I love the post, Ji-in. Like Tamara and Lin above, I can totally relate to the “then” and “now” difference.
Yikes! Haven’t been here a while and you go change your home and colors on me! Anyway, those letters are damn funny, and brutally honest. I need to go write some of those.
I got a good laugh out of this one. Well said!
So funny.
Thanks for sharing.