My grouchy editor face

One of the fun things about blogs is that we can invent our own lingo, our own signature vernacular, sassy new uses for punctuation, or even entire new words — with much grammatical hilarity ensuing.

And then I log off and go about my business, and inevitably — we’re talking at least once a day — my button-down, squarepants editor’s brain short-circuits and puts me in a temporarily foul mood.

My two gripes of the day:

Random capitalization: Don’t do It. There are rules, people! Brand names? Capitalize away. People’s names? Why, by all means, please uppercase as appropriate. Trademarked words, streets, cities, countries, companies, religions, book titles, off-Broadway musicals — yes, yes, yes! Job titles? Step away from the “Shift” key.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not a Software Engineer, a Human Resources Director or a Dermatologist. You’re a software engineer, a human resources director or a dermatologist. I’m sure you are very important, but nope — you’re also a lowercase worker of the world, just like the rest of us Joe Schmoes. (See? A name — now that’s capitalized.) Different rules apply when using formal titles before personal names — as in President Roosevelt, Sen. Finkelstein or King Phillip.

People also lose their minds when talking about moms and dads. I agree — being a mom or a dad is an important job, but importance does not substantiate capitalization. “Mom” and “Dad” should be capitalized only when used in place of a mom’s or dad’s personal name. When referring to the role of a mom or a dad, but not substituting a name (”She’s a great mom.” “He’s a stay-at-home dad.”), or when writing about your mom, his dad, this mom, that dad, don’t capitalize.

• Incorrect: “My Mom is a Software Engineer.” (Mom should not be capitalized here, because it’s not substituting for a name in this sentence. Software engineer should not be capitalized either. Really!)
• Correct: “My mom is a software engineer. My sister says Mom is programming an assassin bot to neutralize President Bush and restore reality to its proper path in the time-space continuum.” (In the first sentence, mom is in lowercase because it’s not substituting for a name. In the second sentence, however, Mom is correctly capitalized, as one could replace it with her proper name to convey the same meaning.)
• Correct: “As we all know, Mom is a software engineer. She’s the coolest mom ever!” (Again, here, in the first sentence, the capitalization is warranted, as Mom is really being used in place of her name. In the second sentence, mom isn’t standing in for her name, so it’s lowercase.)

Improper usage of the word literally: People, to sum things up, the word literally should not be used liberally. Literal means “word for word,” or “verbatim.” In other words, literally refers to being or doing something exactly as written.

• Incorrect: “Air Supply is coming to town? I am literally their biggest fan!” Unless the speaker could ascertain that he or she is, in fact, the ’80s pop duo’s physically largest devotee, this would not be an accurate statement.
• Incorrect: “I was literally blown away by the response to my recent blog post about creative uses for clothespins.” The only instances in which I can imagine being literally blown away by something would be in the case of an extremely severe weather event — and how impressive, to live to tell about it.
• Correct: “She was literally tied up all afternoon. I guess she’s into that sort of thing.”

Some of your busy little brains are probably kicking into overdrive now, trying to think of exceptions, special cases, or other sinister ways in which to foil my master plan.

Face it. I am right. That’s the best thing about blogs.

<running away, cackling with impish glee>