I am still squeamish about eating foods that are looking back at me accusingly, though I am over my aversion to shrimp with coats and sleeves (my little visual/psychological euphemism for the shells and legs). OK. Almost over.
I am unenthusiastic about trying dishes that consist of animal feet.
Until my early 20s, I thought sweet & sour chicken was authentic Chinese.
I believed my mom when she told me that kimchi was probably like sauerkraut.
Wandering into the salsa section of the grocery store was a culinary adventure.
I thought people of color were exotic.
Until as recently as 1999 or thereabouts, I was convinced that all Asians really did look alike.
I am still sometimes surprised when people assume I do not speak English.
I experience discomfort and distress when spoken to in Korean.
I often catch myself describing my adoptive family as Swedish American, when 1/3 of us are, in fact, Korean American.
I have owned and worn out multiple pairs of Birkenstocks.
I thought they were rather stylish at the time.
I can chuckle knowingly over Garrison Keillor’s A Prairie Home Companion.
My idea of an “all-American” person was blond hair and blue eyes.
The people who fit my profile of “classically attractive” were European American.
When I was young, I pictured myself someday having white children.
My first four boyfriends were white. But I did not think of them as interracial relationships.
I was shocked and completely baffled when the (white) father of one of my (white) friends expressed disgust that my (white) boyfriend would kiss a chink like me.
My (white) childhood friend once told me she was glad I was an American, not a dirty Jap, because otherwise she probably wouldn’t have been my friend.
I sometimes tend to equate “American” with “white.”
I used to insist upon telling myself and others that race didn’t matter.
the similarities between kim chi and sauerkraut amuse me. i mean, the fact that they are both pickled cabbage. and yet i bet a lot of people eat one and refuse to eat the other.
Ha! Me too. And I say “Me too” to no one item in particular. Just “me too.”
I like the way you lay out these specifics. I can relate to almost every single one.
I’m an AP but I can say me too for a lot of items. Adoption completely opened up our world! For the last 5 yrs, we have lived where our kids are in the racial majority, and we are active in the Korean community. But for IA, I’m sure we’d still be living in MN. While I can hang out with my “white” mainland friends, I can no longer tolerate the racial chatter that is the norm. Great post….I love your blog.
But the feet are so yummy!! :p
I’ve got to go with you on the feet thing…even though my French-Canadian grandfather frequently ate (and and seemed to enjoy) pigs feet. And while I willingly acknowledge my generic whiteness; I simply refuse to take responsibility for Birkenstocks – you have to draw the line somewhere – for these I blame Europe.
Man, that’s some serious self-analysis and I’m surprised that you would just say it like that.
I wonder if other APIA would be able to make the same honest self-assessment, whether first gen, second gen, etc.
I also wonder if AP know that their kids sometimes develop self identity in this way and what they think about it.
“When I was young, I pictured myself someday having white children.
My first four boyfriends were white. But I did not think of them as interracial relationships.
I was shocked and completely baffled when the (white) father of one of my (white) friends expressed disgust that my (white) boyfriend would kiss a chink like me.
My (white) childhood friend once told me she was glad I was an American, not a dirty Jap, because otherwise she probably wouldn’t have been my friend.
I sometimes tend to equate “American” with “white.”
I used to insist upon telling myself and others that race didn’t matter.”
That’s deep.
Heh, I had to say “Me, too” for a lot of things… (gotta get me back to motherland) – for me, feet are okay if they belong to sea creature, i.e. octopus, squid, shrimp, clam, etc. but I am creeped out by poultry feet. I am also a proud owner of 1 pair of birkenstocks at all times (summer sandals) – but I am aware that they don’t make me a fashion guru…
You know, it’s amazing how many people I meet who will say they love sauerkraut but is disgusted by the ‘fermented cabbage’ idea of kimchi. Hah!
As I read somewhere, “…the paradox of being raised white but not being white”.
I wanna do this one too!! lol.. this is a really powerful post for me. There are so many ways that I find myself being ashamed and proud simultaneously. I can make some organic food, I know how to shovel manure and these things somehow live alongside other experiences.
Just recently two people in my life who are very, very close to me, one a man and one a woman – made comments to me referring to the way I “do” some things. One said, when referring to something I was cooking, “as my father used to say, were you raised by black folks or white folks?”. The other said, “thats because MY momma is black” – also referring to something about my cooking. Both comments hurt me so deeply that I could only be silent. Actually. Im gonna have to blog on this one..
OOOOhh, jeez, I had Scandinavian Adoptive parents too, Danes though, that is hard enough on a white girl, that is whiter than white.
Sorry, I’ll quiet down now.
It’s the last one that I most identify with.
Mama Nabi — Hey, I love tentacles!
I guess I don’t classify them as feet for some reason. I suppose they are foot-like, but they don’t have the little toes and claws and bones and hoof-parts like land-animal feet do. *shudder*
As a addendum, inspired by Lisa Marie, I should add that, “I enjoy musical theatre, and a good Broadway show tune.” Hmm. Actually, would that just make me ‘culturally old’?
Anyway, I want to say that in all the ways I listed above in which I was/am “culturally white,” I did so from a kind of inside-out/outside-in point of view — remembering many of the things that Asian folks and people of color point out when they want to circle up and laugh about the things that make them “ethnic,” and the things that make white people white. And many of the ways I’ve always felt excluded from that insiders’ club. This is not to say that all these items define white people. This is my way of spotlighting and questioning some of the ways we perceive whiteness, colored by what is defined for us as authentic race.
If this weren’t such a friendly venue, I’d cringe when I admitted that many of these were true for me, too. It’s embarrassing how many are still true despite my best efforts to change how I think!
Whoa, cool, two Jasons’. I’ll start using my last initial to prevent confusion…
*nodding
I can relate to several of those. This would make an excellent meme and I imagine we’d see a lot of common ones.
Not that I’m suggesting we stereotype white people. I agree it’s about perceptions from an outsider’s view.
*blushing I like (some) country music but could you really consider that “white”? Culturally, some tell me I’m a little on the redneckie side, so would that make me “white-white”? lol Oh, this is so embarrassing.
[...] Ways in which I have been “culturally white” – Twice the Rice “…Until as recently as 1999 or thereabouts, I was convinced that all Asians really did look alike. I am still sometimes surprised when people assume I do not speak English. I experience discomfort and distress when spoken to in Korean…” (tags: transracialadoption internationaladoption asianamerican white) [...]
Wow, I’ll add my voice to the “I could have written this” chorus. I could add, “I laughed my butt off at Wierd Al’s “White and Nerdy” video because almost all the things he sings about, I’ve done or still do, so does that make me White and Nerdy, or just Nerdy?”
The reason I favor saurkraut over kimchee is that kimchee gives me heartburn so serious I can’t be fond of it.
At this moment I can relate most to this one: I experience discomfort and distress when spoken to in Korean.
I went to Flushing, NYC last weekend and almost everywhere we went people spoke Korean to us. Instead of trying to speak back to them in Korean (and looking like an idiot) I looked like even more of a imperialist/arrogant American by bowling over their language and boldly proceeding in English.
In one instance the waitress tried even harder to communicate in a way she thought should’ve made sense. She asked Jamie and I: are you Chinese? He said yes. So she started speaking Mandarin to him. (I’m assuming her Mandarin was better than her English.) I felt so useless. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, but comfort and distress was exactly what I was feeling.
This is an excellent, wonderful, provocative and funny post. I had two pairs of Birkenstocks too, which I proudly wore with… WHITE SOCKS. (cringe)
I feel discomfort when people come up to me speaking Korean too, and the same when latinos speak spanish to me, and that one time an Ojibwe guy spoke Ojibwe to me. I also had this one white guy hitting on me until I told him that I lived on the reservation, he had a look of disgust on his face as he said, “You’re indian?”. I guess I looked white to him. I think I must look somehow generic everyperson or something. I’m Maliseet (Native American, but not Ojibwe), by the way.
I remember an ex-boyfriend’s grandmother refering to me as “cosmopolitan” and at the time I laughed and thought it was cute.
I also thought I would have white children and thought blond hair and blue eyes was the ultimate in beauty.
check that list for me. I think I fit nearly every one of those same things.
Thanks for posting this stuff — please keep writing. It’s eye-opening, heartbreaking and incredibly important … I hope you take some comfort knowing that there are APs out here in the ether, reading you (and JJK, and others), hoping for clues to try to help our transracially adopted kids grow up feeling satisfied about both sets of cultures.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s even possible, given the idiots we’ve experienced in the mere 1.5 yrs we’ve been a family. On streetcars, in parks, in the preschool … the questions from strangers come at us as if this smart, wonderful person in my arms is a prize poodle.
As a soon to be AP to a daughter form China, I want to THANK YOU. You have opened my eyes and made me think of things I never would have thought of before! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.