Prologue: Does Not Compute
Like most transracially and transnationally adopted children of my generation, I was renamed when I was adopted from Korea to rural Iowa.
My first name, chosen because it was one of my dad’s favorite girls’ names, had a Christian meaning to go along with my ELCA upbringing. It doesn’t particularly reflect my adoptive family’s Swedish-American heritage, nor is it one of those country- or ethno-specific names that one tends to associate with a specific origin — though it does derive from a male name of English origin.
My middle name had no special significance, except that my parents thought it sounded nice with my first name. It was my last name — my adoptive family’s surname — that made me out on paper to be a gleaming white Swede, or at least someone who was descended from a pack of ‘em once upon a time.
Imagine the incredulous looks of doubt and surprise that I encountered every time I stood up in the doctor’s office or at the DMV. Imagine the battery of invasive follow-up questions fired like rounds of bullets from machine guns as strangers interrogated me on just who I was anyway, where I came from, how I got that name, what language I spoke, what race my parents were, and other inquiries related to why I even existed in their white Midwestern space in the first place.
People were always laughing when it came to my name. As if my very existence was just that hilarious. We were all supposed to laugh on some mystery cue to diffuse whatever tension might have otherwise made things uncomfortable. Oh, no worries — things were cake.
But I quickly grew tired of laughing. I was wrung dry of motivation to find humor in my situation — at least my situation as they saw it. I began to feel impatient with these people because of the way they forced me to laugh along with their perception of me: I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wasn’t supposed to have this name. Asian face, why not an Asian name? What was up with me?
I was supposed to be (choose one):
* an anachronous caricature of a most cartoonish Asian coolie
* a fresh-off-the-boat immigrant with a thick accent or who “no speak English”
* a demure lotus blossom with bound feet and lowered eyes
* an exchange student with a deep, unrequited love for Ah-meh-lee-kah
These were my choices.
They laughed in surprise because that was who I was supposed to be, but wasn’t.
I’ve filed those scenarios away in small, airtight compartments where I believe I can’t be harmed by the feelings those encounters evoked. I tell myself I’ve mastered my emotions, neutralized the acidic quality of those particular memories. But at moments when I’m feeling especially vulnerable or worn down, they bubble back up to just beneath the surface, one by one by one. They tend to come in these three popular varieties:
1. The irritating, like a bothersome rash: The dental hygienist calls out my name in the waiting room. I put down the decade-old Family Circle magazine on the side table and stand up. She glances at me, then at the blonde woman a few chairs away, then back at me, and then back at the blonde woman a few chairs away. She waits. I am standing right next to her now. She looks back at the blonde woman, and repeats my name.
2. The repulsive, like an offensive body odor: The gas station attendant does a double-take at my credit card, which bears my name. “This yours?” he asks, squinting with doubtful eyes at my card, and then at me. “Yes,” I reply. “This your name?” He emphasizes each word slowly and loudly, holding the card up and points to my name. “YES,” I repeat. “That’s me.” He looks over the top rims of his glasses at me, and asks, “Can I see some ID?” My nostrils flare as I yank my license from my open wallet and practically toss it in his face. He checks and rechecks my ID, comparing it against my credit card about five times. “How’d you get that name? You marry a sailor back in your country?” He winks at me.
3. And the gruesome, like a nightmare in which you actually die: The night clerk at the bizarre gas station/fireworks supply/convenience store at the Tennessee/Alabama border bores holes through the back of my head with his stare. He wears a bandanna wrapped around his mullet. The bandanna bears a Confederate flag. I want one of us to disappear: him or me. I want to leave without buying anything, but I’m parched, and I’ve already used the putrid toilet on the premises, so I am obligated to purchase something. I pluck a bottle of Coke out of the refrigerated case and sidle up to the Confederate man at the cash register. He is glaring at me with accusing eyes. My crime was bein’ diff’rint. I wonder if he’ll even sell me the Coke.
Another man, wearing a frayed denim vest with no shirt underneath, sits upon a stool by the fireworks case. The two men exchange glances in the least subtle of ways. The one at the fireworks case speaks. “Konnichiwa, Miss Miyagi!” I want to light bottle rockets on his face. “Yer a long way from Tokyo, arnt ya?” I am silent. I grind my teeth together. He whistles, as if calling a dog. “You deaf n’ dumb, Missy? Miss Miyagi.” He snaps his fingers. “Hey, what’s your name, geisha girl? I’m talking to youuuu.” If I don’t respond, he’ll keep on harassing me. It will keep getting worse. He’s steamrolling me flat.
My entire head is on fire. I answer without looking at him. “I’m not Japanese, and that’s not my name,” I mutter through clenched jaws. “Leave me the hell alone.” I grab my change and my caffeine off the counter and stomp out of the store, half-anticipating the two men to jump on top of me, or else shoot me in the back with the insane sawed-off shotgun that must be under the counter. I hear them yelling at me as I practically break into a sprint toward my friend’s blue Plymouth. Behind me, they’re laughing and making Bruce Lee sound effects, “Waaaaaaw!” I hear one of them call out, “Fuckin’ chinky slit!” My face is radiating as intensely as the blinding lights that light up the parking lot of this pitstop from hell. That night, I hate my white girl friends for choosing that place to stop on our Florida road trip, and for not even noticing my sheer terror.
Thank you, Ah-meh-lee-kah. I tip my coolie hat to you.
(Note: I’ve been struggling to write a coherent post about naming practices in transracial adoption for Anti-Racist Parent, but have found it tough to take time out from the The Game of Life and focus my scattered thoughts on such a loaded topic. It’s not just about names. Names have an impact on us that mean countless different things to us at age 1, 10, 20, 30 and beyond. I’m still plugging away at this. Please bear with me while I try to organize my thoughts. I shall return.)
My highly unpopular belief that an adopted childs name should NOT EVER be changed is a real downer when brought up at family gatherings. “That Mia, SUCH a trouble maker.”
I suppose saying I’m sorry you had to endure that disgusting behavior is too little too late but I’ll say it anyway;
I’m so sorry you had to endure that disgusting behavior.
Thanks for this thought-provoking post. There is much to consider when naming an adopted child. I look forward to the rest of the series on this topic.
I want to add mine: in college during my year abroad I’m in Ireland in a pub with two white friends when an Irishman comes up looking smug and says, “Ko-nee-chee-wah.” I don’t even realize he’s talking to me until he repeats it and moves himself directly in my view. This time he ends with, “That’s all the Japanese I know.” I’m confused–why would someone be speaking Japanese to me? I’m not Japanese. I have no idea how to respond.
Then my friends take up the battle. They call him ignorant and start pointing out his stupidity. He calls them “angry Americans” and tells them to go to see a psychiatrist. They tell him he has nasty teeth and he should go see a dentist. The humor of the situation starts to crack me up. It’s over.
The name scenario is one of those situations where people just don’t even realize how fortunate they are to be called by a name “others” think accurately “represents” them. Who’s to say that? Their ignorance makes me so freakin’ angry. There are over 100,000 Korean adoptees out there–haven’t they ever met one before? (Joke, ha ha.)
Take your time, Ji-in. It’s rarely easy to sift through all the pudge (did I just make a new word?) in order to get where you need to be. Sometimes, I find that I end up in an entirely different, but no less important place, during my mental meanderings.
I love and can relate to this initial post. The doctor appointments, immigration, confederate flag-wearing hostiles are also part of my single past. Not that my married name helped, it’s just that now people don’t know wtf to think. Ha!
But like I said, take your time. It’s always an adventure and should never be rushed, not that the scenery is all that great.
Jesus.
Thank you for writing this.
Wow. Shevron said it. This really brings it home, Ji-in. Thank you.
Yup, that’s happened to me in Alabama, Texas, California, Florida, Maryland, and even, oh yes…Korea.
Thanks for writing these.
No wonder Rosie thought her “ching chong immitation” was a-okay with role models such as confederate guy. I’m so sorry for what you endured.
great post.
Sorry you had to endure that and it must have been terrifying…hey, I live in TN and am your average white girl and have stopped at that fireworks stand and I was uncomfortable too. Fortunately, I was not treated the way you were and it makes me sad to think my Asian daughter might be someday : ( We did keep her Chinese name for her middle name and will do the same with our second daughter from Vietnam. I am not sure if they will be glad one day or not….
Unfortunately your #3 senario has happened to me several times as well. One person asked me if I was absolutely sure I wasn’t Chinese. Hmph.
Your post as well as the one by Dawn Friedman on Anti-Racist Parent has really made my husband & I re-think our plans to name our child that we will be adopting from China. Our initial plan was to keep her full Chinese name given by the orphanage and add on a firstname of our choosing (and of course our last name). Now I’m not so sure. My only concern is if her name is difficult to pronounce. If so, maybe we could use an easily prounounceable nickname taken from her name or another Chinese name that would work with her given name, so that she won’t have to deal with all the people who are surprised to see that is asian. Plus, I don’t want our naming her to be an act of covering up or minimizing her Chinese identity in any way. I also feel that keeping her Chinese name might be symbolic of how we are adopting a person who comes with a heritage and who we will love and accept without specific expectations of who we might want her to be. I guess I’m thinking aloud here. Thanks for giving me food for thought. This is big. I’ll be interested in hearing more about this.
Fantastic post. Now, I know you don’t give advice, but if you have any feedback about this I would love to hear it. I have two Vietnamese kids (adopted as infants) and I had every intention of keeping their names as first names, which I did for the first (Linh). #2 was referred to me–birth name Phuc. I agonized, but could not bring myself to have a child with that first name. I made that one a middle name instead. Did I screw up? You can be honest–I’m bulletproof.
Jessie
Thankyou for writing this post. We have just found out we are being allocated a little girl from Chongqing China. She has the beautiful name of Chun Xing. We are keeping it and also giving her a name from us. It should be obvious to any ignoramus’s out there that Lily Chun Xing is actually Chinese and not italian like her Dad or english like her mum.
I am so sorry you have had these crappy experiences.
Can’t wait to read the next installment on the naming topic.
To Jessie: You are the mother of your children. You will doubtless do many things right and many things wrong in raising your children. But you are the one who must decide. I have a problem with all the adoptive parents, mostly mothers, on this blog and others like it who seek the blogger’s approval for their parenting methods and decisions. Believe me, if you don’t rename your child, the child will be angry because you did not accept him or her as one of your own; and if you do rename your child, your child will be angry because you “erased” his or her heritage and denied him or her something. It is the nature of children at various ages to question their parents. I would hate to say to my daughter, “Well, some woman in Hawaii said I shouldn’t give you the name of my beloved grandmother, so you could keep your ‘authentic’ name, which means Cute Baby Found on West Side of Kunming.” True story, by the way.
What is one opinion, anyway? The blogger, and others like her, make it very clear that she is giving her own opinion, period. It’s not the word of God. My own Chinese friends are horrified at adoptive parents who don’t teach their children their own American culture and heritage. I’ll be taking my daughter to Chinese holiday celebrations in our family’s Scottish plaid. Integrate one, integrate all.
RogueQueen, I realize that I’m nitpicking here, but I don’t think “allocated” is the best choice of words when you’re talking about adopting a child. Funds, resources and rations are allocated, but not children.
In general, to all — I would caution everyone against relying on names to do the explaining. What I mean is, there is no magic combination or simple fix to make it clear what a transracial/transnational adoptee’s relationship is to his or her adoptive family by name alone. I certainly haven’t and won’t be delineating any hard & fast rules or absolutes in any of my posts regarding naming. These are some of the gray areas and keep-you-awake-at-night questions that come with the territory of transracial and transnational adoption. Fielding these matters is part of the agreement.
About keeping her own name, many KADs and other TRAs have commented on that. For me, it didn’t make it clearly obvious for people that I wasn’t “Scottish”.
The comments were, “oh, your mom must be Asian.”
So do be careful with assumptions, RQ, there are people out there that will shock you with their ignorance and absolute lunacy.
Speaking as a mother who saw my daughter’s picture for the first time on March 26, I’ve struggled with this question. I see both sides of the coin, but we’ve decided to name her Nicole Dongah, incorporating a name I love with the name carefully chosen by her mother. My problem – do I formally incorporate her given last name? I don’t think we are, but she will know her given name, and it is hers to do with what she will. If she chooses to change or modify her name in the future, that is fine with me – I would have no right nor reason to object, because it belongs to her.
I never post (though I read all the time) – but this question has been weighing on my mind…
I’m still chuckling at your presentation here – but seriously, I’m real sorry you’ve had to endure the #2s and #3s of the world. I do wish I could make them go away for you, but I don’t think their boorishness and cruelty is uniquely American. As for the dental hygenist, well, you’d probably make the same kind of assumption in her shoes. She deserves a break I think.
Oh yaaaaay. Look who surfaced. Lucky me.
Jeff, nobody said anything about any of this being “uniquely American.” If I had set out to write here about some of the ignorant assumptions that people in Korea have made about me, I might have tipped my hat to Korea instead.
Ugh. It comes as no surprise to me that you’d think that people who make assumptions like Ms. Dental Hygienist did “deserve a break.” You go ahead and give them all the breaks you like.
I’m just going to nip this in the bud now, rather than beat around the bush: Based on the way you have behaved toward my fellow TRA friends on other blogs, I have no patience for you and your self-serving sermons on how to live life the Jeff Culbreath way. Perhaps a year or so ago I might have been more willing to humor your lessons, but I’ve passed the point of explaining myself and the point of this blog over and over.
Oh give ME a break JEFF.
What the hell kind of break does a person deserve who is standing there face to face with you, but then looks back at blondie and says your name a second time?? That’s not just a simple mistake that deserves to be brushed off, that’s an IDIOT. Plain and simple.
Ji In, I feel for you on all 3 counts. I avoid all occurences of Confederate flags as a general rule. especially in combination with white dudes with mullets.
Interesting. It is known that I’m a religious man, and so with you people everything I say is a “sermon”. I said “she deserves a break”: how is that a sermon?
Just out of curiosity, what have I done to your fellow TRAs that is so offensive? To the best of my knowledge I have simply responded to arguments with arguments when I disagreed with them.
As for the dental hygenist, I just wish you could see how you are maligning and dehumanizing people like her – people who wish you no harm and, for all you know, may well give you the shirts off their backs if you asked them – in the same way you claim that others dehumanize you or fail to understand your perspective.
“you people”
Nice.
“To the best of my knowledge I have simply responded to arguments with arguments when I disagreed with them.”
Haha. Thanks for the laugh.
I’m not going to engage you in the kind of contentious argument that you consider “discussion.” Especially not on my own blog, where I have no obligation to humor you. It’d be nice if you’d either leave or go back to lurking.
Consider this a pre-emptive action. Like I said, I have no patience for you, Jeff.
To Laura: Just want to say that if I knew my daugher’s birth mother had given her a name, I would–without hesitation–keep that name. I hope your daughter will love having names from both her mothers.
I also wanted to say that after having taken my husband’s name after marriage 20 years ago, and then changing it back after four weeks of a horrible identity crisis (and putting up with all the confusion that comes from that including an older man at the DMV who told me women’s names change automatically when they marry, I kid you not), I’m not insensitive to the idea of names and identity. If my daughter wants to later change her name to the name given to her in China, I will support her 100%. If she wants to change her name to Donald Trump, I will support her. (God forbid!)
To Laurie,
Wow–you made a huge assumption that I would like to correct. I was not, repeat NOT, seeking approval or advice from “some blogger” in naming my kid. The kid in question is now 8 years old and has been named since she was 4 mos old. I am 100% in agreement with the idea that adoptive parents should do everything they can to retain a child’s birth name. My question had to do with the situation in which a birth name may subject a child to teasing–Phuc and Dung are a couple of examples. At the time I adopted my daughter I wrestled with this issue and made my decision. I just wanted to hear all sides of it, even from people who might disagree with me. It will help me later if my kid has the same feelings later on.
Your response was just plain rude.
Jessie
Dear TwiceTheRice,
You certainly have no obligations to approve my comments, so consider these to be for your eyes only. I don’t make the kind of mistakes your dental hygenist made, but I know people who do. They may not be cosmopolitan enough for your taste, but they would be the first to jump to your defense in the presence of those racist thugs you met at the fireworks stand. They’re good people and don’t deserve the rap your giving them.
When you attack or ridiculte people like her – in public, because your blog is public – you might learn to expect a little protest from time to time.
I don’t like to lurk because I think if you take the time to post, I can take the time to let you know I read and appreciate what you wrote. But I also don’t feel right giving an opinion so let me just say, thanks for speaking honestly about your experiences, I know that reading your blog (and others like it) will help me be a better mom.
Apparently I’ve struck a nerve with Jeff, who seems to have a crush on the dental hygienist and other “good people” like her who would most certainly defend me and the rest of my people from racism. (In describing my experiences at the dentist’s office, how have I attacked or ridiculed the dental hygienist, anyway?)
Interesting. Hmm, or not really. Nope. In fact, I’ve heard this all before. Ad nauseum.
“I’m not racist/ignorant/one to make assumptions, but I know some OTHER people who are, and …” Or it’s like people who whip out their black friend or Asian girlfriend as some kind of membership card or proof that they’re above reproach. Ahem. Where else have we seen this recently?
Jeff, I have published your “protests” thus far to air out the stench of white privilege and martyrdom before they stink up my comment moderation queue. I’m all too familiar with your, uh, conversational style and the way you repeat the same “arguments” over and over. You have attacked and ridiculed others in comments on their blog posts about racism, as if you’re on some crusade to discredit each of us and invalidate our experiences. Try finding a different hobby. I’m rerouting your crusade as of right now.
Catching up on other comments …
Laura from Tennessee: Have you really been to that same god-awful fireworks place? It was right on the border, as I recall. Hmm, so I didn’t hallucinate that episode after all …
Jessie, it’s true that we can’t ignore the context when considering names, so I feel for your dilemma at the time you were deciding on your daughter’s name. Even if the people in your family and immediate community understood the history and the culture behind the name Phuc, for every person who gets it and respects it, there will be 50 others out in the great, vast beyond who laugh and make fun.
It is exhausting to try to explain one’s name when it is not one of the “tricky” ones. It would be infinitely more exhausting to have to explain one that is. But there are many other aspects of being transculturally adopted (in addition to names) that we adoptees can learn to tap into and transform into sources of strength and resilience later on, so even those exhausting experiences are not without their own value, I suppose.
So, nope, there never is an easy answer that will apply across the board.
I intend to try to touch on this in future posts, but I think that part of the relationship that an adopted child will develop with her or his (pre-adoptive) given name will depend on and be influenced by the way s/he is taught about that name, as well as the community in which s/he lives.
Second Laura — and others, of course, not just Laura: Here are two more bits of food for thought:
1. Romanization: I hate Romanization. But of course we all know that we can’t put Hangul down on forms and applications and all that, so unfortunately, Romanization is a necessary evil. My name is Romanized for American purposes, and as such, it is just one variation on the spelling of my Korean name. I have seen others Romanize the same Korean name as Jee In, Jie In and others. So, don’t forget to consider that there are almost always other possibilities for transliterating many cultures’ names.
2. Multiple names: Increasingly so, I have met and heard about people with multiple names — meaning more than one first, middle and/or last name. And especially since I have been living in Hawai’i, I’ve come to appreciate the way that people represent their varied ancestries with multiple names. Last winter, I met a woman of Hawaiian (and mixed) descent who had recently reclaimed her Hawaiian name, after going by her “white” name for 20+ years. I believe she had six names. Legally, I have four. A friend of mine is changing her name to reclaim/incorporate her Korean name, so that she’ll have six names.
My feelings on naming and renaming in adoption have changed a lot over the past few years. And I plan to write about this more in the future, but I encourage everyone to break out of the mindset that names must “match” within a family, or that each person’s name must adhere to the traditional single first – single middle – single last form. And, as I said before, don’t fall into the trap of relying on names alone to do the story-telling. Just because an Asian adoptee has an Asian name, it doesn’t mean their experience will be easier (or more difficult), because like Papa2Hapa said, people will shock you with their assumptions.
OMG, I had to come back to share a creepy coincidence: #2 JUST happened to me TODAY at a 7-Eleven. (Only it was “serviceman” instead of “sailor.” Potato, potahto.)
Um, not to give Jeff more attention than he deserves, but I really don’t get how you are “maligning and dehumanizing” OR “attacking and ridiculing” the dental assistant. I have read and re-read your post and I don’t see it. You’ve described the situation without even using any descriptors towards the dental hygienist. So how is that maligning or dehumanizing her?
SOMEONE seems to be projecting some issues onto your post. Typical. I saw Jeff’s preachy diatribes over at Anti-Racist Parent and on Ethnically Incorrect Daughter, BTW, and am sorry he has sprouted up on your blog. Maybe you can call the Orkin man and spray for pests.
I’ve learned the hard way that it’s just better to ignore this guy.
Ji-in, I agree with Kim. You in no way attacked or ridiculed the hygienist in your post, you relayed a series of events. Nothing more. It’s so obvious to anyone that can read.
The fact that Jeff views it as an attack shows you where he’s coming from, if you know what I mean. It’s the same attitude we’ve seen him spout on other blogs. Nothing new, nothing new.
So anyway, moving on…
I am so horrified by the experiences you describe…
I’m also horrified by the way this Jeff character has attempted to invalidate your feelings about them.
Jessie, I am so sorry. Ignorance is a burden on blog comments and I appear to have a lion’s share. Please accept my apology.
Just a thought…my mom divorced in 1967, which made us the only single-parent family in my neighborhood. My mother decided to keep her married name so that we would all share a last name. I really appreciated that as a child, so find it slightly ironic that I now find myself with a different last name than my daughter. It’s six of one, I think. In other words, each person/family must do what feels right.
Also wanted to suggest an Alice Walker short story about racial identity and names. It’s called “To Be of Use,” and it’s about two sisters of African-American heritage and the very different ways they approach being who they are, including such things as reclaiming an African name, etc. I recommend it to anyone who has dealt with this issue.
Great post, and I am sorry you had to endure such a horrible experience in Tennessee. Since I am from there too I have to be sad and embarrassed about that too.
We live in Austin now, and adopted a girl from China five years ago. Last fall around her 6th birthday, she decided to reclaim her Chinese name as her primary name. (It was her middle name.) She said she wanted to “remember China.” I could not have been more proud of her. She asked me to go to her school and talk to her teacher and her Kindergarten class about her new name, which I did. Within a couple of days all the kids had made the change.
This week she had a dental appointment and I called them in advance and let them know about her name change. When we got there, the staff (all white) was ready with the new name on her chart, and everyone there carefully asked how to pronounce it until they got it right. Very gratifying, and even though she hated the dentist appointment, that part of it made her feel pretty good.
The Alice Walker story is available here:
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~ug97/quilt/walker.html
Wow. A ‘You People’. Horrifying but somehow not surprising.
Nice post. Being ethnically ambiguous looking myself, I get a whole different barrage, mind you, that’s geographically centered around the Other Du Jour in any given zone. Just another notch for the destabilised identity for me. But hey, gotta go check in on lunch. Have a great one!
Ji-in,
Great post but unfortunately at your own expense. Rednecks make me want to hurl.
We adopted our daughter from China. We kept her ‘orphanage’ name as her second and gave her a new Chinese name as her first. She has our surname (an English name).
Since naming her, I’ve questioned our decision bc many ppl can’t seem to pronounce her name correctly (white ppl). I’ve wondered if we did her wrong by giving her the name we chose. We don’t know how she feels about it since she is still young. It will be up to her, to see if she is okay with her name and if she chooses to change it we will support her decision.
Looking forward to reading more. Thx.
Note to commenters/readers: There are two different Lauries in this comment thread, and two different Lauras. I just wanted to mention that in case there was any confusion.
Interesting topic. I guess it’s not just TRA adoptees, but as Bryan put it, “The ethnically ambigous” that have this too.
I am white convert to Islam, and I received many, many strange looks when people saw my name before seeing me. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to take my husband’s name when we got married. I worry a bit about any children we have, as my husband is very, very light skinned, so they will probably look white but have Muslim/Arab names.
Wow. I just was spittin’ mad at Jeff for his rabid anti-choice views on someone else’s blog, and then I find him over here as well. He certainly is spreading the intolerance around.
Ji-In, thank you for your eloquence and sharing your experiences. We need your perspective. I am so sorry you have to go through such crap, and then continue to get crap when you post about it. Bleck.
Thanks for the latest round of comments, folks — and earlier ones that I haven’t addressed, too.
Tennesseans, no need to bear any burden of shame. I’m not of the belief that one racist or ignoramus or hater (or two, for that matter) speaks for all the people one could associate with that individual. But I appreciate the support and encouragement, nonetheless.
Quick comment on romanization from Laura #2 -
The English spelling was given to us by our daughter’s agency in Korea. She’ll know her name in Hangul script as well. Thpronunciation doesn’t exactly sound like “Dongah” in English, but I can’t think of a better spelling. I appreciate your thoughts, esp. on name structure.
Leading me to a second thought – I think that one of the best gifts I could give to her would be the ability to speak and understand Korean. I’m a French teacher/translator, so I’ve done a lot of thinking about the link between culture and language. I’m trying to learn some Korean so I can at least communicate / read at some level and have more access to local resources, but I’m finding it unbelievably hard (not that I’m quitting). I feel like it’s an issue somewhat linked to her name (making sure that she can find her place in her Korean culture) but I have no idea how I can make this happen.
Sorry, this isn’t so much a comment on your posting as a random thought…
Laura
laurie said “Since naming her, I’ve questioned our decision bc many ppl can’t seem to pronounce her name correctly (white ppl).”
With all the weird “white” names around now – nobody can pronouce any of them right anyway!! Having an unusual spelling of any name will always have folks getting it wrong…that is less important than claiming identity.
Ji-In, I look forward to your “final” version of this topic. Your thoughts on the Adoption Parenting group on this topic were very useful and I know that this will be too!
Patricia
My goodness. I assume this Jeff person (“you people” – does he mean us Asian types or specifically Asian adoptees?) has been banned? What pointless things he writes… funny that he asks the dental hygienist to be given a break as if you’ve accosted her in some way. Why does it not surprise me that he calls himself ‘religious’? Why does he travel around the TRA blogs just to misinterpret posts in his tediously whiny comments? Too bad he’s not unique – just a run-of-the-mill old boring white guy who wants to teach “us people” or “you people” the right way to think. I have a FIL just like him.
Ever since I’ve been married with PN’s last name, I’ve gotten the looks, the questions (“Are you adopted?” “This doesn’t sound like an Asian last name.” – no shit. “Where did you get this name?” – won it at a raffle. “This isn’t your name.” – oh, really?). WIth my maiden name, I was always pointed out as the girl with 2 first names. With my full Korean name (really weird romanization, pretty rare even in Korea), at doctor’s offices, they don’t even bother saying the name – they merely come out and look at me and stammer the first syllable, shrug, and say, “That must be you, right?” Sometimes, when they look at the chart and start to giggle, I just get up and say, “I think I’m next” before they even try.
No matter what, though, LN was going to get a Korean name – sure I did pick one that was the easiest to romanize, but I couldn’t imagine her going through her life without a Korean name. Given FIL’s reaction to our decision to give LN a Korean middle name, I wish we had given it to her as her first… when we move to Korea, we’ll try it out. Believe it or not, there’s a group of people who think that Americans all should have Anglocized names despite and in spite of their ethnic background. Why is that? I still can’t figure out that theory…
Thought-provoking post! And disturbing, too.
Anyway – the whole topic reminds me of a Dateline or 20/20 (can’t remember which) piece I saw years ago. The issue was credit card fraud and how store clerks never check id when ringing up credit card purchases. The problem was that the example they used was an Asian American producer who went into a store with a credit card that had a name like “Allen Rosenberg” on it. The clerk didn’t ask for id. Shocking! How could that Asian guy possibly have a name like “Allen Rosenberg?!”
I wrote in to the show and complained about how they were trying to make a valid point – but not in a valid way. Instead of proving that people weren’t careful about credit card verification, they were just trading on racial stereotypes and encouraging retail clerks to engage in racial profiling. I never got a reply from the show. I suppose I wasn’t surprised.
I’m KAD. I have a sort-of WASPY, non-Asian name, although half of my adoptive family is Jewish. I suspect that the name “discrepancy” issue is just the catalyst for other people’s inherent racism/ignorance – the real issue is how we look, not what our names are. Which is not to say that names aren’t powerful – they are. It’s a tough issue, that’s for sure!
Ji-in,
Thanks for the food for thought.
My Chinese daughters have very Irish names to go with our Irish last name. Their middle names have the same or very similar meanings to the “given names” bestowed upon them by their orphanges. The last names with which they came to us were simply indicators of the SWI in which they resided. I feel like I need to share our rationale for naming as more food for thought for transracial/international a-parents. We gave them first names that we liked and that flowed with our last name. We chose to preserve the meaning/spirit of their Chinese given names because the single syllable Chinese Pinyin name may or may not mean the same thing depending on tonal sound and/or dialect. Preserving the meaning of their names was most important to us. To us, that’s who they are and that’s why their Chinese caregivers gave them the names they did — not some mispronunciation of their Chinese name, and certainly not some Chinese-sounding name that we may have concocted. Should they choose to revert back to their Chinese given names, that will be their choice, but I hope they will understand why we called them as we did. Sadly I feel like I could be in a “damned because I did and damned because I didn’t” position.
Sorry you had to endure the Jeff thing. His whole “interruption” reminded me of why I’m not on the big China adoption yahoo group with over 18,000 members.
I’m REALLY sorry to hear about your scary redneck episode. I’m white and those confederate flag dudes would have scared the tar out of me — even with the racial slurs. This is a huge reason why I stay in upscale neighborhoods in NE US major metro areas. I’ve noticed racism in my microcosm, too. It’s just different more subtle, and with stereotypes like “they all so smart.” I guess all those WASP-y white women are good at golf, tennis and horseback riding, too.
Thanks!
just noticed a mistake in my comment. I meant to say “even WITHOUT the racial slurs”
Thanks!
There are really quite a lot of comments already and I apologise if I make a point someone else has made because I have not read all the comments as carefully as I read Ji-in’s excellent post.
On the name difficult to pronounce point: we can all say that my first name (not a pseudonym for internet purposes) is my actual name. I am not an adoptee. My name looks difficult to pronounce and is actually very simple – it is said like the number one (but with an Australian accent, or so I am told). This causes a lot of jokes and I’ve heard them all (I think). I used to want to change my name because the spelling/pronounciation aggravation was too much, and made me stick out. I have come into my own identity and reconciled my desire to make things easier for the mainstream in which I live, so I like me name, and I like that it is difficult.
Your situation in the backwoods deep south convenience store is one that I dread my adopted Chinese daughter facing some day. It is scary to even drive out in the country where I live (Kansas) with her, feeling that if the car broke down and we had to walk to a convenience store, she would be likely to face discrimination from local yokels. Where we live in the city has a lot of diversity, but I’m becoming more and more afraid to take her out of the city. And sad to realize that she will probably always have to tread cautiously in her future life. She won’t be able to just jump in the car and drive down the highway stopping at small towns to look at antiques. There will always be people there who will view her suspiciously and treat her badly.
Normally a lurker. I wish I had the ability to adequately explain my reaction to your post. I read #3 through tears. It made me feel intense fear, humiliation, anger, dread, hatred, sadness, utter helplessness…all sorts of terrible feelings. It also brought to mind a time my husband and I were in Indiana, driving around looking at old covered bridges. My husband is often mistaken for being Jewish. Don’t ask me why. At one bridge in a remote location, the words “Jew boy go home” were spray painted on its side. A pick up truck with a gun rack in the back and a confederate flag decal drove by. I felt panicked and told my husband we needed to get in our car and drive away FAST! I was right. As soon as the truck crossed the bridge, it turned around and came back. We were already locked in our car and starting to pull away. The driver of the truck mearly glared. I felt like we’d had a brush with death and it terrified me.
I am so sorry you, or anyone, has to endure this racist bullshit.
This is not the same, but when my parents immigrated to the U.S. they changed my first name to an American one. We all did, actually. I am glad to have at least my middle and last name be Asian, and have considered taking on an Asian pen name. Many of my Asian friends have mentioned feeling that their names aren’t really “them” because they …I’ve known Asians with first names from all sorts of cultures, everything but their own. Thus the identity crisis that so many Asians have, and go through, as a major issue.
I’ve known a few adopted children, and seen many more, and have always wondered how they felt.
You know, the main thing I get from the interchange between Jeff and the adoptees here who have clearly through through their experiences so subtly, is that dominant culture people–men, white people, middle class people, Christians, etc–in the US just really need to listen. Not talk. Not post. Just read and shut up more. People like Jeff don’t have a lot to say in a topic like this one. He doesn’t need to tell you that the hygienist needs to be ‘given a break’. He doesn’t need to say anything. He wants to, for some reason. Maybe he wants to belong and be accepted and loved. For that, however, he needs to go to therapy. Not post.
I understand what he’s trying to suggest. But…it’s just superfluous. I’m not an adoptee, and I’m white. But I have a disability, and it is not visible, and one that’s poorly understood by most people. I just really, really don’t need to ‘give people a break’ anymore. People in public contact positions need to be educated and trained to be respectful and stop making assumptions of all kinds and just acknowledge clients exactly as we present ourselves.
America is very complex now. Things are not obvious. They no longer fit into Dick Jane Sally categories. If they ever did. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and we kind of know that here. Pretty much! I see people all the time whose ethnic backgrounds I can’t guess, and kids with parents who don’t look a lot like them, and I’m used to it. I’m used to people identifying as disabled who aren’t using wheelchairs. I’m used to seeing Asian-looking people with European names. Maybe in Alabama that’s not yet very common.
Just hang in there, TTR. Just keep writing and thinking and talking about this stuff.